Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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