Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize