I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
