Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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