Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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