I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
