im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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