Kiss
Puke
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
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