I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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