I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
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