two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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