Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
