Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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