Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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