do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
