Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
