I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
