Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
