i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
