I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
