I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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