In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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