I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
