happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
