I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
