Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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