My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
