is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
