it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
time to smoke my breakfast
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
