If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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