Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Are my feet made of real feet?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
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