Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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