I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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