Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I have demons in me.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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