she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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