She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
