I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
