the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Randomize
