It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
