I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
