She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
