A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I want to fling myself into the sun
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
