I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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