I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
