I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
