I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
