well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
