I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I'm passing your future prison.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
