My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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