I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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