On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
