i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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