Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Randomize