YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
