my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
i came on her dog
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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