I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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