I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
