you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
