Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
