God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Randomize
